Holding on

This post is also available in: Română

It’s been thirty minutes since we’ve boarded the plane to Basel. Mom’s right at the front while I’m in the last row, still thinking about the two little kids in front of me, separated only by an aisle, holding hands while we take off.  I don’t know if they were only doing it for fun, or if they did it to feel safe, like hiding under the blanket so the monster under the bed can’t reach you. Either way, it was exactly what I needed. For weeks now, I’ve been trying to find the right words and topic for a new article. But maybe just now, high above the clouds, do I find the drop of honesty I’ve been searching for.

January was about courage. About moments when all I wanted to do was give up but didn’t. About people who, despite everything, decided to stand by me. About saying: “I can and I will.” It’s been three years since I decided to give up everything that was holding me back. Unilateral friendships, bad habits, toxic thoughts. It’s been three years since I decided that I am my number one priority. Back in 2017, I’ve seen what it means to give yourself a chance, even when no one else does. I’ve learned that your biggest ally is your own mind, but now know that it also has the power to knock you down. I still relive some of the greatest moments of that year. And there were plenty. But I also remember the lows of 2018 – the times when my mind was a dark place, full of fears and doubts. I’ve had to hit a wall way too many times until I understood that nothing bad can happen if you keep your head high and believe in yourself. It was a year in which I’ve started most of my races on the wrong foot, scared I will fail, that I will lose. Looking back, I realize the only thing I was losing was my confidence, which only a year before was taking me to new heights.

Now I’m learning. I’m learning to accept my mistakes and learn from them, and most importantly, remember that results are just the sum of your efforts, and that, as I said in the interview from the World Cup back in 2017, it’s not a matter of can or can’t. It’s about facing your fears and doing it. It’s about finding that something, that drop of confidence that keeps you going. Ignoring your mind whenever it screams at you that there’s no point in trying. Keeping your head high and fight for whatever it is you want.